Metro 2033: I Heard It Through the Grapevine

Sometimes a game can come out of nowhere and completely take you by surprise. These games tend to be the ones that you remember years in the future, because the experience they gave you was unprecedented and unexpected. Metro 2033 was heralded as such a game. Many reviewers cited its “incredible atmosphere” and its “solid single-player campaign.” Others, if you can believe it, dared to compare this game to Bioshock and Half-Life 2, arguably the two best first-person story-driven games ever. I hear you asking if Metro 2033 should be lifted to such great heights. I know I was yearning for a new, great first-person story. Does Metro 2033 deliver?

HELL NO. This game was an absolute waste of time in absolutely every respect. I absolutely hated playing this game. There is absolutely nothing even remotely enjoyable in this absolutely flawed game.  The graphics in this game are absolutely abysmal. The controls are absolutely horrendous. The gameplay is absolutely mind-numbingly boring. This game sucks so much, it turned me into a Sith. (Only a Sith deals in absolutes.)

The only “atmosphere” in this game is a series of interconnected subway tunnels. And they’re blurry. And boring. And lifeless. This game reminds me of a game that K-Mart would carry in a bundle-pak with off-brand deodorant. If this game were a baby and I was the President, instead of kissing it I would slap its mother.

I can’t even talk about this game anymore. Just typing about it is pissing me off. Yeah. It’s that bad.

I give Metro 2033             5 out of 5 Sour Grapes

Certified Stinker!!!

About: Zack: